Ride the wave of anxiety using DBT skills​

Imagine yourself facing a monster. Maybe it’s your anxiety or OCD. It can take on any form. It can look like anything. It can be tall, small, short, big. It can have claws, horns, sharp teeth. It can be furry, bald, or however you’d describe your monster. Between you and the monster is a giant pit that represents your symptoms. The never-ending feelings of anxiety or OCD. The nagging questioning and doubting that anxiety loves to bring. This canyon or pit is BIG. Real big. You can hardly even see the bottom. It almost feels hopeless that this big pit will be there to stay forever. Now imagine yourself near the edge of this pit holding a rope. The rope spans across the pit. Guess who’s holding on to the other end. You guessed it, your monster. That pesty thing.

You are stuck in a perpetual tug of war. To not fall into the pit, you’re holding tighter. I mean, the rope has been your security and safety this long. (the rope are your compulsions….the things that your anxiety says will keep you safe) They are the….”just check the stove one more time” “are you sure you’re a good person, go ask mom again.” “better research again to make sure you didn’t really do that thing.” As you’re pulling this rope, you’re in constant battle with your symptoms. The monster. It really doesn’t budge, it won’t go over this pit.

​You think that the more you pull this rope (do the compulsions) the closer you’ll get to finding freedom and allowing that monster drop right into the pit. The sad part is….the monster gets right to that edge and does one bit TUG, pulling you right back into those compulsions and making you doubt all over again. It can feel never ending. The only thing the brain says is to keep trying….you almost had it. This cycle repeats over and over again. There is one thing the monster doesn’t expect……..you drop the rope. That’s right. You have all the power in the world. You’ve been feeding it this whole time. You stop doing the compulsions. You stop trying to figure it out. You stop all of it. You allow the anxiety to just be there. You even act like you don’t care. The monster is ANGRY man.

It screams across the pit telling you to pick the rope back up…it’s the only way…it throws out these threats… You answer each threat by agreeing with it or saying, “yep, maybe.” “cool, thanks for that thought.” You learn that the chatter of the monster slows down. It finally takes a seat….It’s no fun for this monster. You’ll realize that the threats it’s ever given you have been false this whole time. The urge to pick this rope back up becomes less and less. It takes commitment, but you do it. You’re dedicated to NEVER figure out your “what if” or to react to any “perceived threat” that comes your way. You’ve gained control again.

You’re the boss. You may feel like you didn’t “win” the battle, but you’ve accepted it for what it is. Acceptance is key. You’ve learned to live with this monster regardless of the threats. Some days it’s tougher, some days it’s no big deal. Regardless… you live the life you want to live. Ultimately, what I want you to do is to figure out what you’re still holding on to and allow yourself to “drop the rope”. Your time is NOW. Make sure you check out my online self-directed OCD course to help you drop the rope and learn the correct treatment for your own OCD. What things do you need to drop the rope with? Thank you so much for watching and I will see you next time. ​

Stop moving the cup. Let me tell you what I mean by this.

 So when I say stop moving the cup, this is what I mean. A few years back I was at my brothers house. We are all seated around the dinner table talking and laughing.  Their dinner table is located right next to their white carpet. My three-year-old periodically would run up to the table grabbed her cup of juice,  grape juice of all things, take a drink and put it back on the table.

 What I noticed is that when she placed her cup back on the table it would be close to the edge.  I would continuously move the cup back to the middle of the table. Just as I was done, she would run back, grab the cup and follow the same routine. Slamming that cup back on the edge of the table.  I found myself  moving this cup over and over and over again.  I didn’t wanted to fall, I didn’t want to hit their white carpet. I felt like I could prevent this.

 Little did I know, the more time I spent moving this cup, the more ingrained I got into the perceived threat that this cup was going to fall. So ingrained that I missed out on the conversations happening right in front of me.   By the end of the night, I probably move that cup 20 times if not more.  Guess what ended up happening, nothing. Nothing happened.  Her cup did not fall.  The catastrophe I was trying to avoid did not happen.  And my brain said,  good job…. You did really well preventing this threat from happening. My brain didn’t know any different,  it really thinks I did a good job.  But what if me moving the cup had nothing to do with the catastrophe not happening. 

It seemed like such a silly thing, but it got me thinking.  How many times in our life do we have a perceived threat, something more completely guessing that could happen we are doing behaviors to prevent it. Even if the catastrophe actually did happen, we would be able to problem solve it.   Think about this for yourself, how many times a day, a week, an hour are you trying to prevent something bad from happening. How much of life do you feel like you’re missing? 


 Life is meant to be lived. We are meant to make mistakes.  We are meant to fail.  We are meant to let the chips fall where they may.  We do not need to solve the problem if there is not an actual problem.  The cup on the edge of the table is not a problem. It could potentially be a problem,  but at this moment it is not a problem. When we focus more on living life and enjoying the things around us,  it is worth more to risk the perceived threat happening then to continually problem solve it and prevent it from happening.

 When it comes to anxiety and OCD symptoms, the perceived threat happens day after day after day after day. The brain thinks that the only reason it hasn’t happened is because you may have done a compulsion or followed its rules. When we are doing treatment we have to retrain the brain to say that it is completely lying to you. When we don’t do the compulsion,  and in my case it would be moving the cup.  We allow ourselves to see what ends up happening.  When we find that the catastrophe doesn’t happen the brain learns that the threat it gave you must’ve been false.  Thus reducing the amount of threats you make it in the future. 

 But if the catastrophe actually does happen, we can problem solve it.

 So when I say stop moving the cup, what I really mean is stop doing the compulsion.   Stop trying to prevent the bad thing from happening unless you see immediate danger. Meaning there is no doubt in your mind that you are in danger, you don’t even have to question it. If you do have to question you already know it’s a perceived threat. 

 And I know what you’re thinking.  Yeah Nate, your examples about grape juice falling on white carpet.  Mine is so much more serious than that.  Do not fall into the trap that your  perceived threat is more important or is different than someone else’s. It doesn’t matter what intrusive thought comes your way, we treat it the same. 


 Stop moving the cup. Risk the threat.  Is worth living life, than to live life to problem solve. 

 My question for you is what is going to be the thing that you are going to stop doing today?  What cup will you stop moving?

 Thank you so much and I will see you next time…

Imagine getting this voicemail at the time the school bus is supposed to arrive. Anxiety provoking right? I mean I sent my 5-year-old to kindergarten. They sent emails and made comment assuring us that “our child will not get lost”. I didn’t even ask for that assurance, they just offered it freely. 

As a therapist who strives to live my life with uncertainty, I initially wasn’t worried. Like I always say, when there is a problem, we’ll solve it. 

What do you think? Is there any question in your mind that THIS IS A PROBLEM?

This is what I’ve been talking about all along. When your anxiety hits you and you’re anticipating a problem, you’re guessing a problem, you’re living your life as if there is going to be a problem……IT’S NOT A PROBLEM. 

A problem needs to slap you in the face.

You need to not have any doubt that there is a problem to be solved. If you cannot physically see or hear the problem that slapped you in the face. 
(b-roll slap face)

Then you’re feeling false anxiety and are reacting to something that isn’t really there. The body needs to learn that you ONLY react to REAL problems. 

So back to the story. The bus was supposed to arrive at 3:30….. it didn’t show.  The call was given at 3:30 – what was I to do? Problem solving kicks in, the anxiety kicks in. 

This is what it’s designed for. What would you do in this moment? When there is a real problem presented in front of us, we have to focus on what we have control over. 

I can call the school for an update.
I can get in my car and drive to the school.


There really isn’t much more I can do. Here’s the kicker. The brain automatically plays out situations in our head. These are the what if’s. and guess what? We can treat them the same as ANY OTHER PERCIEVED THREAT. Yes, I do have a real problem presented in front of me, but I practice not reacting to the guesses. 

We do this by using a lot of maybe, maybe not statements, even though it can be very scary. My brain went to the worst….
Did she get kidnapped?
Did she get on the wrong bus?
Did she think she could walk home?
Is she wondering around the school?
Did she get hit by a car?
Did she pass out somewhere?

These guesses are NOT THE PROBLEM. My perception is. I can answer each of these with a “maybe” or “possibly” --- because all I know is that they cannot find my daughter. 

Man, this is incredibly tough to do, but it’s ALL WE CAN DO. So in short, we focus on what we have control over and leave the rest uncertain. 

If I reacted to “did she get kidnapped?” what am I supposed to do? Call the police and report a possibility, just because it came to my head. Drive the neighborhoods looking?

Here is what ended up happening…….10 minutes later I got this voicemail. 

(b-roll answering the phone)

I now know a solution…get in the car and pick her up.  That’s what we did. When we got to the school, the teacher was sobbing, the school was apologetic, my daughter was well….. only sad because she didn’t get the chance to ride the bus with her brother on the first day. 

I mean, you were told to get on the wrong bus, following blindly the directions of others, taken back to the school and picked up by your parents. 

Man, kids are resilient. Here’s the deal….What we learn is that giving assurance or reassurance doesn’t work. The school sending an email assuring all the parents that everything is going to be fine is a guess. This is most assurance giving. A complete guess. We need to learn in our life to either 
1. Not give assurance unless we know 100% (something like, gravity will continue to hold us to the ground)
Or 
2. Leave things uncertain, teaching us and our kids to allow life to be and solve problems when there are problems.   

We can only prevent so much and must allow life to just be. So why am I telling you this story? 

I’m sharing this story as an example of when we need our anxiety. These moments happen rarely. I mean it. RARELY. And even with real danger anxiety, we still can practice uncertainty. 

Treatment for anxiety is uncertainty. Allowing yourself to risk the what ifs. Allowing yourself to live life regardless of the buzz reminding you of dangers. Because you don’t follow those “what if’s” anymore. 

So tell me, for the times you feel anxiety, how many of them are REAL? Meaning, How many have actually manifested the way you thought they were going to. You see, we forget about the times it didn’t happen are really good at remembering the times where the catastrophe or “bad” thing did. 

Your job when you’re feeling anxiety is to quickly look around you for immediate danger. If you don’t see any, you treat it as a false alarm by using the magic words….”maybe, maybe not.”

Stop living in the future of what ifs. Instead live and enjoy your life NOW. 

Nothing is like the real deal! We all know that. But, research has shown that we can use exposure and response prevention for the fear of needles. Here are some exposures that individuals may do. The point isn't to remove the anxiety, it's to teach your brain something new about the fear. That you're the boss and you can do hard things. ​